Shinko's Life: The Diary of Princess Shinkokami
by Heather the Writer
Summary: Stuck under the rule of her mother-in-law, Shinko turns to a diary for comforts. Through it she slowly discovers the secrets of court, Tortall, and her own broken family. And, suddenly, everything is not that simple anymore as she begins to truly see.
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce's world!**

**Spring, 455 H.E**

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**February 28**

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I have started this journal as a sort of companion to myself. I write in Common, so no one else will understand. This diary will be my only source of comfort in my despair of being married.

It has been a beautiful February. The whole village was buried in plum blossoms. Placid, windless days succeed another. And here I am, stuck in the house of my soon-to-be mother-in-law. Fortunately my dearest friend, Lady Yukimi, has come to visit me.

Lady Yukimi and I were walking along the cherry blossom garden when the most peculiar thing happened. A _noji _deer crossed our path. I have not seen one since I was a child, playing in a garden very similar to this one. I still remember that day very clearly, for seeing a _noji _deer is a rarity. I was running between the cherry trees at home, wild and free, with the Tortallan child, Keladry.

The deer observed us very calmly before walking off. Lady Yukimi turned to me and said, "Maybe the deer is wishing you luck, Princess." 

I wanted to cry out, but kept my feelings calmly hidden. I fluttered my fan, themed with the blossoms of spring, and wished that it would. But Lady Yukimi always views everything as something to be celebrated. Thank goodness I have a friend in her!

Perhaps it is good luck, a sign for my up-coming marriage. May I find happiness in it after all.

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**March 5**

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The wind is starting to pick up a little, signs of a beautiful spring. The blossoms outside my room were breath-takingly beautiful, and their fragrance hung, thick and heavy, in the cool air. I sat outside today with Yukimi, sipping green tea, and every so once in a while the wind would blow petals into our cups. It made me want to write a poem.

But I can't, because my husband-to-be will be arriving soon. Lady Hebi is most excited. "My son is coming to visit today," she boasted. "He is one of the Emperor's greatest warriors, and you must treat him with respect. Go, silly child! Make yourself useful in the kitchen while I get ready."

I am writing this in the kitchens, as the maids have already finished their work. Yukimi is practicing with her glaive outside, but I fear to join her. Lady Hebi has already told me she finds my enjoyment of the fighting arts most un-ladylike. She waved off my protests that all the Emperor's ladies practice the glaive, and took my weapon away. 

What will I do to amuse myself now?

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**March 10**

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My husband-to-be has come and gone. We talked little, only of matters concerning the wedding. I asked him if he might intervene with his mother and give me my glaive back. He stared at me for a long while with his beady eyes, and for a moment I thought he would strike me.

"No wife of mine will ever bear a weapon." He replied stiffly. We talked about the matter no more.

The rest of our conversations were filled with frivolous things, such as the beauty of the chrysanthemums I had planted outside. Or rather, my conversations, for my Lord Botan rarely replied. Instead he sat and looked at me in a most unsettling way.

Lady Yukimi laughed about it to me later. "Your intended is so stiff! He is like a fish that has been left out to dry in the sun for much too long."

I wanted to berate her for her tongue, but could not help but agree. Except the fish could turn in to flakes of dust in an instant and cease to exist. Lord Botan will not. 

It is not that he is a cruel man. For I do not believe he is. But we are as unlike as two different species. One would not try and marry a butterfly with a dragonfly. It simply would not be so.

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**March 11**

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Lady Hebi shed any false niceties that were present while Yukimi was here. The moment my dear friend left she moved me from my elegant suite to a dreary room nearer to the kitchens. 

"No daughter of mine will live here without earning her pay," she hissed. The venomous gleam in her eyes brought to mind a snake about to strike.

I do not know if I should mention this, but I will. I have a terrible fear of snakes, ever since my uncle's dishonor to our family. Five or six years ago, the hour before our dishonor, my mother and I were walking with the intent to cut blossoms from the star magnolia trees that grew along the lake. Along our path slithered a long black ribbon. I identified it to be a viper, but Mother thought nothing of it. She took it rather calmly, inclining her head to say that we should take a different path.

We changed direction, instead walking delicately along a white bridge that would eventually take us to our destination. I remember quite distinctly that it was a beautiful day,that the wisteria, the maple, and the cherry trees were just starting to bloom.We walked for a short time but Mother did not get very far before she fell, without a sound, when part of the bridge collapsed.

You may not believe me when I say this, but the only reason why the bridge had broken was because somehow an animal, probably a squirrel, had burrowed into the wood, decaying it. What happened next is still the part that I find hard to believe: dozens of snakes poured out, where a mother had obviously laid her eggs.

Mother almost drowned that day. In her heavy kimono she was quite unable to swim. But my cries alerted a villager nearby, who jumped in to save her.

Our troubles were not over. Upon reaching our house, we found two couriers who looked as if they carried the somber touch of bad news. Mother invited them in graciously, allowing them to rest while she read their letters.

My uncle, my father's brother, had tried to assassinate the Emperor, my mother's brother. If he had a reasonable claim to the throne, it would not have been so dishonorable. But fatherand his brotherwere relatively new nobles, only five generations old.

I still remember the last look on my Mother's face before they took me away. The evening sun struck her at an angle, making her look indescribably beautiful, but excruciatingly sad at the same time. They tell me that neither she nor my father spoke another word until their suicide.

One would think that my story with the snake ends here, but it does not. While my parents were inside, reading the letter, I stepped down into the garden. I thought I might be able to catch a fairy, the ones that inhabited my mother's garden. At least I thought they did at the time, until I grew too old for that nonsense. 

I reached out to pick a rose and noticed, out of the corner of my eye, and small, black snake creeping its way across the lawn. Even today I swear that it was the very same snake that caused Mother such bad luck. I thought nothing of it, but on the way back I stole a glance to see the snake again, but it had vanished.

That was when the Emperor ordered me to live at court, and then later on with Lady Hebi. I was much too young to be considered dishonored by the assassination, and my blood was still far more valuable than my life. Ever since then I have been stuck here under Hebi's reign, serving to her every whim. It is only when her son or the Emperor's courtiers come to visit that I am treated for who I am: a Princess of high rank.

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**March 14**

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The most wonderful news! The Emperor has requested my presence immediately. Messengers came today, riding at a furious pace.

Maybe the _noji_ deer has brought me luck after all.

I must pack quickly, for he expects me the day after tomorrow. Thank goodness I left much of my court clothes at the palace! I discovered quickly enough that they were quite useless out here in the country, and had them sent back.

Everything has taken on new purpose. Even the days seem to be cheerier. The sun is shining, and the crickets are chirping louder than usual. I sang softly as I prepared myself for a long journey.

I can not wait to reach the city!

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**Note: **I don't know the meaning of the word _noji_, so I apologize if it does mean something. Reviews are welcome and greatly appreciated, as are suggestions and criticism.


	2. Chapter Two

**Spring, 455 H.E**

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**March 14 – later at night**

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Lady Hebi uttered a faint cry. She was reading a letter the messengers had given her before they left to sleep, a few minutes ago.

I thought it might be something disagreeable that I had done. "Is the dining room clean, Lady Hebi-san?" I asked.

She ignored me as if nothing had happened. She directed her gaze outside to the plum trees, and, averting her head from me, continued to eat her dried fish. "The dining room is not clean enough. Go to bed without supper." 

I bowed silently and left. This is the normal attitude that Lady Hebi gives me, but I can not shake off the suspicion that something is not quite right. 

One would not think we were related by marriage, or would soon be, the way she treats me.

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**March 15**

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Something is most definitely not right. Lady Hebi has insisted that she will accompany me to see the Emperor. "I must speak with the Emperor myself," were her exact words to the samurai that accompanied us. 

Now we must ride in a carriage, for Lady Hebi does not approve of women riding horses. Journeying will take twice as long. But at the same time I am glad for the shelter, for it started raining today. 

A few minutes ago as I looked out at the rain being blown and swirled about, I tried to picture what Lady Hebi's feelings were. She was sitting as far away from me as possible in the carriage, face as blank as the smooth apples I used to pick as a girl. Only watching her jaw clench and unclench gives me some indication as to what she was thinking.

**------------**

**March 15 – written at night**

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I did not get to finish my entry, because we were attacked by a small group of bandits while traveling on a dusty, empty road. I felt so helpless! My _naginta,_ which I have reclaimed from Lady Hebi, was stored underneath me, but she refused to let me use it.

"Let the samurai earn their food." Was her gruff response to my protests that they were outnumbered.

I sat in the carriage demurely, hand itching to reach for my _naginta_ or my _shukusen_. All these years Nariko has taught me to defend myself, and I will never be able to do so! A wave of such despair caught me, crashing down on my very soul. When I marry Lord Botan, I will never be allowed to do anything interesting again. A caged bird, one who will always have a perfect view of the wonders of life they are missing, will be more free than I.

How I long to make a difference for women in this world! While the Emperor is supportive of women fighting, he can not be everywhere at once.

Our four samurai killed off the attackers relatively easily, though one man almost got his arm chopped off. He fought on, though I wished to take his place. But I have seen men fight with much worse than that. It is said that Saichō Narimasa, the greatest samurai who ever lived, continued fighting even when he lost a leg and broke one arm protecting the Emperor against fifteen men. Until he died from blood loss a day later, that is.

But Narimasa's time was over a century ago. And yet tradition and honor still has not changed. 

The thought of honor makes me think of my family once more. "Just because a person is Emperor does not mean they have honor." My uncle told me before he destroyed my family.

The more I grow up, the more I find this ironic. My uncle, who so strongly believe in honor, placed our family from among those highest ranked to a family in shame. Because of him, I am stuck in a marriage to Lord Botan, the son of a commoner samurai who was recently ennobled. But blood overrules honor in some cases, and I am still one of the most sought-after girls for marriage. My blood and high education is what gives me hope. The Emperor may still want to use my rank to form an alliance with someone of importance.

We have stopped at a village inn for the night, so the injured samurai might heal his arm and the bandits will get their punishment. 

I am sure they will get their heads chopped off. 

While our other guards rest, Lady Hebi and I sat down for a meal with the proprietress. 

Lady Hebi is most peculiar when she eats. She sits perfectly erect, with her head held high and scarcely so much as glancing at her food, as if it is beneath her. She darts her cutlery in and out of her food so slowly one would begin to wonder how she manages to keep her food from falling off. The food is poured into the gaping hole of her mouth, though one drop is not spilled. Then she glances around her contemptuously, peering around to satisfy herself that no one eats as mannerly as she. 

I must struggle to keep face when she does that, for her manners are anything but courtly. But being, in Lady Hebi's words, a high-class nobody, I simply eat my food in the silent, simple way that etiquette describes. 

**------------**

**March 16**

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I am brooding. But I can not help it; I am nervous to see the Emperor today. In less than an hour we will reach Naginosaku, where the Emperor is staying for the spring. 

The rain does not help either. To think that a few days ago I predicted beautiful weather! Now I stare out at the nasty mixture of fog and rain in despair. We will be prey to bandits if we don't hurry. Even though Lord Botan's house is only a few hours away from Naginosaku, bandit attacks have grown: it was a terrible winter.

I can see Naginosaku in the distance now. A large castle rises, seemingly out of the ocean it is beside. If I look closely I can just make out the fishing ships that are defying the weather and trying to make a living.

They will get their masts chopped off.

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**Note: **I hope you're enjoying reading this as much as I am writing this! Also, I realize that I had made a mistake in the last chapter: the Emperor is Shinko's uncle, her mother's brother. Her father's brother was the man who attempted to assassinate the Emperor. But I will never refer to Emperor as Shinko's uncle, only the one who is dead. I hope that makes sense. Sorry about the confusion!


	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce's world and characters (most of them are anyways)**

**Spring, 455 H.E**

**March 16 – late evening**

We joined the Emperor for a late dinner today, but nothing of consequence was said. This is to be expected, for the court is in its final day of mourning for the Emperor's daughter, Princess Chisakami.

Oh, Chisakami! How sorry I am for your death. We were never close, but you are my own flesh and blood. I will send a prayer to Yama in hopes that you may sleep peacefully.

The evening sun striking the Emperor made him seem even older than usual. The shadows created new wrinkles, and made his pepper-and-salt beard look grayer. His face, which always seemed to wear a faint suggestion of anger, was even more sorrowed than usual. It was said that he took the news of his daughter's death harshly.

I have never liked dinner and am not hungry after the sun sets. During the evening I managed to get through the dried fish and the soup, but it was an effort to eat anything. I ate slowly, conversing with my two old friends, Yuki and Lady Teintaro.

While I dawdled over my food Lady Hebi, who had already finished eating, quietly rose and sat next to the Emperor. She watched me eating for a while in silence.

I wish I knew what was said, but left to join the other court ladies in a game of fan toss. It was most enjoyable; one of the ladies created a barrier to stop the rain from hitting us. We played outside, enjoying the fresh air. The rice fields looked unbelievably beautiful, a thick green maze that spread out as far as I could see.

**March 17**

I dreamed that I was flying through a grove of almond trees where a gentle drizzle was falling, and upon clearing the grove for an instant felt happy before waking up. A servant was trying to wake me: Nariko requested that I join the Imperial ladies for morning practice, and eat with them for breakfast.

Yuki -as well as a few other ladies distantly related to the Imperial line- was already present when I came to join them. I told Yuki my dream and she clapped her hands together in delight.

"It is another good sign, Cricket, I am certain."

The mention of my nickname made me smile. I have not been called Cricket since I was a little girl. But those were much happier times.

Lady Haname noh Ajikuro joined me in a stretching routine, murmuring court gossip to me as she did so. "Did you know the Emperor is looking to find someone else to marry the Torallan prince? Yes, he still wishes for an alliance. Your Tortallan friend, Keladry, and her family greatly impressed the Emperor."

I placed my hand on Haname's soft, delicate shoulder and felt a physical excitement which I could not explain.

**March 17 - later**

The Emperor and I were sitting in the springhouse by the edge of the ocean admiring the moon, when he suddenly spoke to me, "Shinkokami, might I have word?"

Despite the phrasing, it was not a request. I fluttered over to him and bowed low, my nose almost touching the ground.

I owe the Emperor everything, and he knows it. He could do anything to me, and yet he chooses to be kind. It will never cease to mystify me, how a man can be kind to his treacherous niece yet so cruel to his people.

He inquired of my studies, especially of my knowledge of Tortall. I replied that it was very well, and reminded him gently of my experience with their culture, through the ambassador and his family.

"Were you close to the ambassador?"

"Why, yes, Imperial Highness. Lady Keladry was a very dear friend; she taught me everything I know about Tortall."

We were silent, and the Emperor hemmed and hawed to himself. He remarked on my growing age, my betrothal, and my growing figure, which shocked me. I had to bring out my shukusen to conceal my blush.

The Emperor at this point rose from his chair and walked out of the room. He obviously had something to disclose to me. I warily tiptoed out behind him.

He stopped when he reached the wall hanging depicting the Imperial Family and said, "Time's are changing Shinkokami."

I could think of nothing to say, and decided that a bow would be an adequate response.

"I have done a terrible thing."

"Your Imperial Highness could not have done a terrible thing." I was almost in tears as I said this. He is sending me away permanently to live with Lady Hebi, not just for a three-month stay.

"I have betrothed you to the Prince of Tortall."

At these words I froze. I felt as if my legs were crumbling underneath me, I was so happy. The Emperor continued talking, explaining why he had done such a thing, pretending to ignore my embarrassing show of emotion. It is at times like this when I remember that he is human, despite all the terrible things he has done. Once in a while, he does something caring for a loved one, before unleashing venom upon his other subjects.

He has dissolved my wedding contract. That was the only thought that I could process through my numb brain. Even now, much later, I still have not absorbed the shock.

I am going to be Queen of Tortall. My blood has won over all else.

**March 19**

Today the Emperor made the official announcement of my engagement. I can not believe it has come to this. I am quite excited, though I know that there has been plenty left unplanned.

The ocean was smoldering in the rain as we stood there, close to a hundred men and women. We listened with all due reverence to his address, in spite of the drenching rain. The rain went through my outer kimono, penetrated my inner kimono, and finally soaked through my undergarments.

Lady Hebi was sitting next to me, her nostrils flaring in her fury. For the first time in my life I realized how horrible it must be to live a life like Lady Hebi. Yes, she is mean and stingy and scolds me. Yes, she is the kind of person who secretly devises way to increase her fortunes. But she is only trying to make her way in this court.

The pity was not long-lasted, however. She turned to me, jaw clenched, and commented that she believe that I was damaged goods.

Damaged goods.

My ears are still ringing. Would Lady Hebi really make up such a lie? Is she that desperate to link her family to the Imperial Line? There are dozens of other girls with such connections.

No, I decided. Lady Hebi is a snake: when they sink their teeth into something, they won't let go.

**Note: **Hope you liked it! Tell me what you think.


	4. Chapter Four

**Spring, 455 H.E**

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**March 19- later**

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There was supposed to be a celebration in my honor tonight, a viewing of the fireflies as they lit up the rice paper lanterns between the orchards. But the gloomy rain is still falling incessantly. Painful waves beat relentlessly on the walls, and clouds are gathering. A thunderstorm is coming.

A terrible emotion –apprehension- wrings at my breast, causing my heart to flutter and my pulse falter. Lady Hebi is trying to convince the Emperor of her case; that lord Botan has already taken my honor. At times everything goes misty in front of me, and I feel my strength ooze out from the soles of my feet. But I must keep a stiff appearance, my mind must be a wall: solid and impenetrable, letting malicious thoughts wave past it.

My one source of comfort: two of the Imperial ladies have been assigned as my ladies-in-waiting permanently, my friends Haname and Yukimi. Only two have been chosen as I do not wish to surround myself in my own people amongst a group of foreigners. By only having two close friends, I will be more accepted by the Tortallans. I hope.

I discussed with Haname and Yukimi how we should properly express our gratitude to the Emperor. Haname was of the opinion that an object of value would be the most suitable. She added, "If you had rather not go alone, I will do my rounds at the same time as you."

"It would be best, wouldn't it, for me to go alone?" I must convince the Emperor that Lady Hebi's news is false.

"Can you manage it alone?"

At these words I felt my heart wrench with gratitude. These women are my friends, and they will respect me and take care of me no matter what.

"Yes, _tomodachi_, I will go alone."

I called to the Imperial Room, and was allowed to enter almost immediately. It is amazing, how much my status has risen since my recent betrothal.

The Emperor was kneeling on the tatami mats, smoking his pipe with a few noblemen. Smoke drifted from his nostrils and filled the air, causing the air to smell pleasantly of incense. He nodded to me as I bowed, keeping my forehead to the ground as I looked up to meet his eyes. To my surprise, they were almost kindly and warm, like a small fire had been lit inside. His rough manner and coarse speech, for which he is famous, has never been shown to me.

"Princess," he said with the strange solemnity that gives him such a distinguished air. "I trust you are coming to ask me about the celebrations tonight?"

These words astonished me. "No, Imperial Highness," I murmured, concealing my emotions; if he was not going to bring up Lady Hebi, then neither would I. "I came to beg you to receive this paltry gift of thanks from your unworthy servant."

He motioned for me to stand up, and I did so, lifting my red-patterned kimono up gracefully as I handed the small keepsake to one of the Emperor's samurai.

It was Lord Botan, and he met my eyes steadily, gently, which was a relief. Perhaps he was as unhappy with the marriage as I was.

The Emperor's face said nothing as he opened my gift, though his eyes widened slightly in recognition. I had given him something that had once belonged to my mother, his favorite sister. The box was one that I had always admired for its beauty; it was unlike the diamond-and-gold creations that most courtiers had, but rather simple. A plain, black container of cloth, its lid decorated with a dragon made of rubies. The dragon's emerald eyes glinted in the dimming light, and its mouth wide open. Sometimes when I studied it, fingers tracing the sharp stones, I could almost hear it roar. But it was what was contained that truly mattered to me.

Inside was a _Ningyo_ doll, a family heirloom that belonged to my mother, his favorite sister. It had been made at a great cost, but it had more of a sentimental value for me. I knew that he would appreciate the doll more than any other gift I could give, for every time I stare at it, I am reminded of Mother. Mother and her child-like appreciation for the world and its surroundings, Mother who cared for everyone and anyone, Mother who always managed to appear innocent and cheerful. She is what I look up to, and everything I want to be as future Queen.

The Emperor looked at me, as blank as the hardened rock that he is. "My thanks, Princess," he said stiffly. "Please note that the celebration in your honor is now taking place in the Greater Tea Room."

It took me a moment to realize that I had been dismissed, but Lord Botan was kind enough to escort me out. But he did not speak, until we had reached the outermost doors entering the Imperial Throne Room.

"I would like to apologize for my mother, and the way you have been treated." He said carefully, putting well-thought words to use. "I just wish for you to understand, that I am happy with this agreement. I held no love for you, except for the love of a sister. Lady Teintaro and I were childhood friends, and would have continued to be had my mother not interfered."

My throat closed as realization dawned on what he had done for me. "T-thank you," the words came out almost as a croak. I quickly composed myself. "You have my blessings."

Lord Botan nodded and offered me his hand, "I wish you all the best."

Looking into his eye, I saw a kindness that had never presented itself before. Perhaps I had been so focused on disliking Lady Hebi that his true personality did not come out to me. But I will never make that mistake twice; I am never going to judge another person again.

Memory escapes me. I do not remember how I made it back to my chambers, only that I collapsed into my futon and woke up a while later when a servant was politely batting the cloth near my head to help me change my kimono. This irked me: without imperial permission, servants may not touch those of royal blood. As if they were lesser beings.

"Just because a person is Emperor does not mean they have honor." I find myself agreeing with Uncle more and more. Just because a person does not have noble blood does not mean that they are not human. Or are they less human than others, I wonder?

I must guard my insolent tongue. If this journal were to be discovered, the Emperor would have me killed for such a comment.

Only one more thing that I must write: a strange occurrence that happened while I was talking to a courtier at the celebrations. He was talking to me rather enthusiastically about the University in Tortall, of which he was hoping to rival. Behind me I could see Yuki flirting with one of her many conquests, and I smiled inwardly.

Suddenly there flashed across my mind an image of riding with Father through our lands and getting out in to the country, and how the autumn fields looked. The fall flowers –marigolds, snakeweed, asters- were in bloom. The crops were just being harvested.

Later Father and I joined the rest of our family at the lake near our home. I jumped into the water, and my parents and older brother soon joined me. Little fish darted at our feet, and the weeds brushed against my legs, but it was the last time that I remember my parents being happy. The picture flashed into my mind, only to vanish a few seconds later when I tried to remember the details.

Those days, I remember now, were the last dying sparks of our happiness. Once Uncle and my brother tried to assassinate the Emperor, our real hell began.

* * *

**Note: **Sorry it took me so long to update! I'm not entirely pleased with this chapter; I don't think I pulled it off quite well, and it was a little too rushed, and the word "I" was used to much. So there will probably be a few changes within the next few days. Updates are going to be a bit slow for the next little while: exams are coming up, and I'm going to study at a marine biology station for four days and will not have computer access (or the time to write anything).

Reviews are cherished, criticism and suggestions worshipped. And kudos to the sneaky reviewer who pointed out some of my attempts at hidden metaphors, omens, Hebi's name, etc. I'm not very good at it, but I'm glad that someone noticed... hopefully I will get better as time goes on. Feel free to give suggestions that will make them better! As to the question about Shinko's past... I hope that this chapter was enough of a clue.


	5. Chapter Five

**Spring, 455 H.E**

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**March 29**

--

I feel as though I am steadily turning into a coarse, low-class woman. I can't escape the feeling that it is by sucking the life from Chisokami that my life has become happier. Everywhere I go, the servants bow a little bit lower, the samurai are even more on their guard, and an Imperial spy is sure to follow, for I have never been so important. People give me gifts and invite me to banquets. The Emperor comes to visit me.

The Emperor showers me with lavish presents and frivolous items, and though I thank him as much as court allows, secretly I give them to Yuki with the intentions of feeding the peasants. She agreed to help me, and though the peasants will never thank me for it –I am not allowed to consort with such lowly creatures- they will have hope. They starved, during the winter.

I must have been brought up so very much the "proper lady" that I never noticed these things. But now I do, and it shocks me. Could I be so sheltered that I never opened my eyes to the world around me? There are so many secrets, so many things that I never understood. Until now.

I remember my brother, dear Kajuo, who went to university and was never the same. I can picture the last time I saw him, the day he first got back from his 'higher education'.

"You look older. You should be married off soon. Is there any saké around? I'm going to get drunk."

There was no saké; Father disapproves of drinking. I told him so, relaying choice words that I had heard Father speak years before, and his face darkened into an expression I had never seen, a look which made him a stranger to my eyes. "This whole country has gone to the sewer." He told me to inform Mother and Father that he had left to visit Uncle for the weekend and departed soon after. Uncle: the only man he truly respected, the man who changed him from my older brother to someone unrecognizable.

I felt as if I could weep as I relayed the message. Somehow, upon seeing the tiny twist of Mother's usual smile, I knew that I would never see him again.

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**March 30 -evening**

--

The Tortallan ambassador came to visit me this afternoon, the same as every day since my announcement. Although the contract has not been made official with the Tortallan Royal Family –we must await their reply by letter- the ambassador still wishes to converse with me.

I could not help but feel nervous when we first met, though I have spent my whole life being trained for this moment. I know that every word we speak, every action I take, is a test.

To my surprise, the ambassador is quite kind. He spoke enthusiastically of Tortallan food, something which I had never tried before. He is quite unlike anyone I have ever met; much like a parchment: easy to read, secrets out in the open for those who wish to know them. His face shines with goodwill and –almost- happiness.

It is quite peculiar.

We sat in my greeting room today, enjoying some freshly-made green tea. Although the day was slightly hazy, it is getting much nicer now that the spring showers are finishing off. The mist hung elegantly, like a curtain, over the forests and mud rooftops. Everything seemed almost surreal, as if it were covered in shimmering gauze that concealed all flaws.

Upon parting the other day, the ambassador gifted me with a possession which I will prize forever: a black mare with a placid quality that reminds me of Mother. Or so I thought at first. After our first ride, I was startled to find myself flying in the air, off her back.

Yuki was much amused. She immediately dubbed the mare, named Cheko, my 'personal dark horse'. I did not understand what she meant, and she laughed.

Yuki will fit well in Tortall.

Shortly after the ambassador's visit, an even more distinguished guest arrived. Princess Narimoku, the Emperor's eldest daughter, came unannounced. I have the itching feeling that she was ordered here by the Emperor, to work with the ambassadors and Lady Hebi in furthering my education.

Her greetings were cold. Perhaps she feels that the responsibility of her sister's death lies on me. How can it not, when I have benefited from it so much?

There was a silence, and at that moment I knew she did not wish to be here. I am still the high-class daughter of a disgraced family, and that will never change. To the married daughter of the Emperor, I am someone that doesn't belong. Even when my family had honour, I did not feel welcome. I was –and still am- another pawn at the Emperor's disposal.

But Princess Narimoku is different.

She married to a family related to the throne, and she will use it to her advantage. When the Emperor dies, there will be a war between her and her twin brother over who inherits. After all, the honour to rule is great, worth killing your brother for. Maybe even worth killing the Emperor's niece for.

It is a terrible business, these politics.

"Why, Princess Narimoku, my roses have bloomed at last!" I broke out, uncomfortable under her calculating expression, revealing nothing yet everything at the same time.

The Princess smiled softly at this, and the tension in the air lessened a little. She admired the blooms, and even went as far as to compare them to the delicate kimono I wore, embroidered heavily with dragonflies and roses.

The roses in my room were given to me long ago, imported from Maren –or was it Tortall? at any rate, some distant country that I have never seen- and bestowed upon me by Lady Ilane of Mindelan. I had been fully aware that they had bloomed a few days ago, but could not think of anything to break the uncomfortable silence. The flowers, a magnificent purple, seemed to be drooping slightly. Haijuko, the Imperial gardener, had explained to me that they do not thrive in this climate.

They do not belong in this country any more than I.

--

**March 31**

--

The maids come every day to my rooms, bringing in old furniture and clothes. I had inherited it from my parents, but have no use for it. But now that I might be going to Tortall, I must decide what to keep and what to throw away.

Today we went through old clothes and furniture. While the maids were out in the garden burning waste-paper and wood, my ladies-in-waiting and I stood in the safety of my viewing room, silently watching the blazing fire. The fire hissed and crackled, burning away remnants of my old life. A cold greyish wind from the west was blowing, and the smoke crawled over the grounds. Creeping, slithering, around, causing the poor maids to cough quietly into their hands. I happened to look up at one of their faces, and was startled to see how poor her colouring was.

"Oshimi, you do not look well!" I cried. Oshimi stopped working for a moment and spoke to me, keeping her eyes fixed on the ground. "It is nothing." She moved soundlessly back to her work.

At that moment, I had the unbearable sensation that some little snake lay inside me, sucking away at her life. I was so tormented by the fear that I may be harming my maids in some way that I ordered them back inside. We will wait for another day to burn the papers. And next time I will help. Should not a Princess set an example for her subjects? That is what Mother taught me, though Lady Hebi thought otherwise.

Haname raised one elbow to my desk, touched her hand to her forehead, and let out a small sigh, distracting me from my thoughts. "They say Tortall is a nice place, I hope we enjoy it, Shinko."

Both Yuki and I exchanged glances of pity. We know that Lady Haname desires to stay in the Isles. She was brought up to believe that foreigners were barbaric, and now she is going to live with them. But she will do her duty, to maintain the position of her family, and to keep her honour.

We sat there, clothed heavily in our kimonos, sipping tea. The afternoon sunlight filtered through the leaves and fell on our laps, giving them a green tinge. The branches of the trees hung low, framing the view from my rooms. The harmony of the blossoms and the black branches clashed with the fog, stabbing the night sky. Although I admired the beauty of the blossoms, I appreciated the branches most of all. Some were destitute of even a single leaf, and, despite being perfectly bare, were fully alive.

"Branches are beautiful, aren't they?" I whispered, peering into the air, wishing I could see the stars.

"Yes," Haname agreed, "They are."

Outside it is dark now. The rain has stopped, but a wind is blowing. I can hear my maids in the next room, fumbling around for their clothes without a candle. I excused myself from Haname and Yuki; I am going to find a candle, or some form of light. A peace offering.

**Note:** I like this chapter. Even if it is a bit confusing, it leads well into what I'm planning later on in revealing more family history. And, on the good side, I discovered how to change my spellchecker to Canadian English. Ha! Take that, Microsoft Word.

Do not read further on into this note unless you don't mind my rant. It's really long- I actually had to edit it down.

--rant--

Most of the fanfics in TP are so black and white. Very much like TP's books. And I am NOT insulting TP at all (I am posting in this domain, aren't I), but it's just that in her books there is good, there is evil. There are no huge character conflicts, no real life situations, no political commentary. The fandom expands on this: we do every single character plot possible -giving them more character- but mostly love plots.

I am not commenting on anyone's story; I think everyone does a wonderful job here in improving their writing, enjoying other peoples' writing, etc- why do you think I started posting here?

Anyways, long rant drawing to a conclusion. I want more people to start writing about us. Humans. Ourselves, flaws and all. Politics, opinions of nature, are we good/evil, religion, etc. These are hardly ever, EVER written or talked about. I think (correct me if I'm wrong) that besides the fact that most of the people here are in their early teens, and besides the fact that T/P is meant to be a children's book, therefore have an easy reading style, that a lot of writing done now is…needing to… expand. And I say this is the nicest way possible. What I mean is that why don't we create our own themes out of a K/D story? Or a A/G? Why don't we create unique styles and voices?(I understand that we are mostly girls and we love our romance plots- I'm not denying that I don't!) Use TP as your starting point, and create your own voice.

So: **my challenge**. To all you authors who know (slightly) what you're doing. You don't necessarily need to make some sort of commentary on issues (I'm not expecting that from anyone, because I know I won't be able to pull if off myself). I'm just saying… go outside the box. Make Dom secretly the Black God's apprentice, or something. Or write something you've never written before, with a style you've never considered. There's a _huge_ potential in writing that not many people are taking advantage of… whether it is style, originality, flair, etc...

But, if you wanted an example of what I'm ranting about… Sivvussa's The Autumn Assignment and Contorce's Rite of Passage, and Tales by Rainstorm Amaya Arianrhod are fantastic and worth a read, and people like Sarcastic Rabbit, Gavin Gunhold, and lyredenfers have a really unique, funny way of looking at things. They thought outside the box. So... accept the challenge, and start writing!! I can't wait to see some really, really unique works.


	6. Chapter Six

**Spring, 455 H.E**

--

**April 5**

--

My ladies and I moved outside today, celebrating the arrival of Kuda, the Sun, by wearing our brightest kimonos. Maids flitted in and out, providing drinks and _shukusen_, as the Imperial ladies joined us in a game of fan toss. In my mind's eye I pictured us all as butterflies, delicate but deadly with beauty, our coloured silks warning off predators.

The sea, bathed in the noon glare, glittered with the dazzling intensity of the jewels Lady Hebi so eagerly coveted. The Lady herself sat primly on the sidelines, deep in conversation with the Tortallan ambassador and his wife.

I stopped the games for a bit to kneel with Princess Narimoku. "It is a pleasant day, better than I could have imagined." I said, still gasping for breath.

Lady Hebi fluttered her dandelion-yellow fan. "Yes it is," she answered, a strange expression coming into her eyes for a moment.

"The air is good. Fresh air," declared Princess Narimoku with self-satisfaction, as if she had caused the weather herself.

"It really is," I smiled. "The air is quite delicious."

We all three laughed at the strange Tortallan word.

It was about noon, and the spring sun was gently striking the garden lawn. At the foot of the garden a flight of stairs led from the lawn to a little pond surrounded by plum trees, and beyond it, orchards of trees. A muddy road, rice fields, and the village could be seen in the distance.

"It is quite a wonderful landscape," the ambassador's wife, Lady Fenerah, murmured uncertainly. I felt almost pity for her. She is unused to our customs and ways of conversation.

"It is because of the air," Lady Hebi answered promptly. "See the sunlight? It is if it has been strained through the finest of silks. The sun is like the Emperor: it is controlling, useful, and cunning."

Lady Fenerah nodded enthusiastically, but we could tell she disagreed. Privately, I did as well. The pale, meagre yellow sun seemed so feeble and unreal. Shining simply, but taking away the aura from everything else.

--

**April 8**

--

I signed over my estates to the Emperor today. It is possibly the hardest thing I have ever done, though it was necessary. I will never see that home again; there is no point in my keeping it.

We continued to clean out the bits of my inheritance. Old furniture, old letters. Today we started to open the boxes containing my brother's books. It was probably the hardest time of all.

My reclining room was so cluttered that there was scarcely space enough for the maids to move around. Aimlessly I picked up one of Kajuo's notebooks from a pile of papers. The words "Testimony of an Aristocrat" were written over it. It appeared to be one of the journals he kept while attending University.

_I remembered to keep the Face stone-still. I cannot show any emotion, or honour will be ruined. That was my first introduction to University._

_Truth? Forget it. Principles? Ideals? Sincerity? Better off lying. You may keep your honour that way, if the Emperor wills it._

_If the Emperor wills it._

_It is against human nature to repress emotion. And yet we do it all the time._

_People make serious faces when they tell lies. The seriousness of Yamani culture. It is something to be proud of. Pfft!_

_You can be sure of one thing here. A man has got to fake to stay alive._

_-- _

_In between University courses I strolled around the streets, admiring the beauty that we have created in each other. Something so inhuman in ourselves, it is almost human. We do not even talk to each other. A mere bow, a glance, is enough. _

_Anything else and you are barbaric._

_Aristocrats and samurai ride their horses through the street, always careful of the peasants. In case they get too near. The peasants are barbaric, you see. _

_The peasants do not talk to me, but they do not need words._

_They have eyes, and the eyes plead to me in such a pathetic human way, I have to avert my gaze. They turn away- I am too cowardly to give them food or money. They turn to an Imperial courtier. Yelps follow my ears as I quickly go back the way I came._

_Next time I walked through the streets, the peasants ignored me. I was, after all, an aristocrat._

_For the first time ever I realized what a horrible, miserable, hopeless life it is to be without money. My whole life I have been sheltered. Sheltered because of my birthright, sheltered because I am related to the Emperor. My face closed off, and my heart hardened. The second I heard that poor man being beaten, I hated the Emperor with a loathing such as I had never had before. _

_They call this relationship with the lower class 'necessary'. A relationship between lower and upper class, where the peasants take the brunt of everything. It is a beautiful pyramid- precise, perfect, and deadly. The peasants give everything and get nothing, and we aristocrats take take take. The Emperor made this pyramid, along with his ancestors._

_His ancestors: my family. But it is up to me to make it right. Uncle has promised me I can._

_A letter from Uncle: Come._

_Come._

_It is time._

_I want to throw it away, to pretend I never received the letter. I want to die by way of apology to my family, for not fulfilling my role as a prince._

_But I cannot. There is more at stake. There are people who may get some good out of the Emperor's death, good people who are deserving of everything but get nothing._

_Father, I stood by as samurai killed a bandit. A man who was trying to feed his family. _

_I have never been more ashamed of myself._

_Maybe one day, if you find this journal, you will forgive me for my actions, maybe even understand them. I know it is hard for you to accept that the world is changing, but you must lift your eyes from the veil you have created and look around you. See the poverty, the culture, the politics, for what it truly is. See humans for what we truly are._

_Family, forgive me._

_Do not speak of me with shame. I separated myself from you, banished myself to University. I was not the little samurai you wanted me to be, Father. The honour was too great for me._

_I should have killed myself before I came involved with Uncle. "He will lead you to bad ways, entice you to bad things." You were right, Father, about your own brother. You are always right. He is an opium addict, and he has now passed the habit on to his favourite nephew._

_Uncle is like a snake: sucking out hope, intelligence, and goodness, and replacing it with his own brand of poison. Despair, guilt, hatred. _

_But I have to make things right._

_Mother's love is the only thing that keeps me going these days. Dear Mother, so innocent and loving. _

_After I witnessed the beatings of children -no more than ten years old- it was the image of Mother's shining face that kept me going, that made me see through my clouds of confusion. But I am still ashamed. I could have done something, could have saved those children. Was their crime -stealing a mouthful of rice- that offensive? The guards would have listened to me._

_I am, after all, an aristocrat. I can order them to do whatever I want._

_Family, forgive me. _

_I must make up for my human emotions. I must make a better life for the Yamani people. Is that not the duty of a young prince?_

_As for my sister… the only hope she has now is to be married away from this family._

_She is, after all, an aristocrat._

There was more, but I cannot bring myself to repeat it. I placed the journal carefully back in its place and grabbed my glaive. The journal has given me much to think about. A piece of my brother I was never able to see. Because customs dictated for it to be so.

I walked to the doors looking out into the ocean, opened them, and while looking down at the smoky ocean with white sea foam spray, I remembered the events of those days.

I wish I could see my brother.

--

**Note: **Because this chapter deserves a little note. This one is for Gavin Gunhold, Sarcastic Rabbit, lyredenfers, sivvussa, anythingatall, and all the other members of theswoop who are fantublously awesome. This chapter is all your fault. Thanks to you, I am procrastinating, and I blame you all. Particularly teamfen.

And thank you very much to sarcastic rabbit for painstakingly going over all my silly errors. You make writing this worth it!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Spring, 455 H.E**

------------

**April 14**

------------

I have begun to devote my energies to studying Tortallan customs with Lady Fenerah. Ever since I discovered my brother's journal, I have felt somehow as if I am more aloof than ever in this country. I am becoming every day less and less of a Yamani. When, for instance, I take tea with Lady Hebi and Princess Narimoku, I no longer feel at ease. I used to enjoy court life, and would laugh and dance with the others, but now it comes as a relief to ride out in the village with the Ambassadors, or discuss academics and politics with those not interested in courtly affairs. Instead of attending tea with the other Imperial Ladies, I go straight from my glaive practices to Lady Fenerah's chambers. There Lady Fenerah teaches me things that I will find necessary to survive in Tortallan culture.

Yuki and Haname came with me today. Haname insisted, with her usual gentle composure, that she be introduced to the ambassadors out of courtesy. Yuki, who knows far more about Tortall than any of us, simply came because she was curious.

We dined in the ambassador's Sitting Room where Lady Fenerah taught us how to use Tortallan cutlery. Even Haname let out a small smile after Yuki's tenth attempt to use a 'fork'. Once in a while a Tortallan maid steps in to serve food, only to stop to observe intently what I am doing. At these times I do my best to speak courteously, for I know they are storing opinions of me. In Tortall, Lady Fenerah tells me, even the opinions of servants matter.

At first we sat at the dining room table in silence, our eyes averted from one another out of politeness. Although Lady Fenerah looked delighted to see Yuki and Haname, she was quiet in all her words. She sat across from me, a ruby pendant dangling from her long neck, her hands shyly demonstrating to us how to pour tea or use a mutton fork.

It was at this point that Ambassador Bardolph entered, bouncing on his feet like a small child as he attempted a flowery Yamani bow. Standing up, he blushed faintly and gave a charming smile, his fat dimples showing. He had not realized that we were here. There was a silence and then I laughed; a light, chirruping sound, which was quickly followed by Yukimi's giggle. And as Haname finally joined in I felt happy, so happy; as if I could draw myself up to the sky.

Lady Fenerah swept up to kiss her husband's cheek, and it was then that I noticed she did not wear a kimono.

"Lady Fenerah," I said, rather archly, "Would you allow me to gift you with a kimono?"

Lady Fenerah hesitated, and her face filled with a dignity that I had never seen before. She stood up straight to respond to me, and I noticed she was tall, much taller than her husband. When she spoke, her voice was full of triumph. "I would be honoured, Princess."

"A Yamani gown needs Yamani jewels, to keep ones harmony." Yuki told me gravely, her eyes darkened with hidden laughter.

"And lessons in Yamani," Haname agreed.

------------

**April 16**

------------

A gloomy rain has been falling incessantly. Everything I do serves to dampen my spirit. My brother's boxes have been sitting in a corner of my chambers, taunting me. Although part of me wishes to tell Oshimi to burn the boxes without me reading their contents, I know it is something I must do. Today I finally started sorting through them, for all other bits of my life have been burnt, packed away, or sold.

Most of the writing was insignificant- bills, drunken poems, university books, and empty promises to store keepers. Although I felt some guilt for looking through the letters, I could not avert my eyes. I had not known that my brother was in debt.

At last, all that remains is my brother's journal. I pick up the book and open it randomly. It is a letter, addressed to me.

_I shall never send this._

_Why am I writing this then?_

_I suppose it is so that there will never be words left unsaid. I have a fear of keeping things in. If I keep things in, I will be like the other members of aristocracy who deign themselves to be above emotion. If they were to burn to death, as excruciating as it would be, they would not yell out to the world how much it hurts._

_Cricket, Cricket. What can I say to you? You are but a child who hops and bounces and enjoys life with the naivety that only a child can have. And when I see you, I want to grab you and shake you like a dog for being so foolish._

_I saw a hanging today. It was morning, and while the sun shone down on the branch of a cherry tree with blossoms budding and birds singing, a young girl hung from it, dead. _

_If we could talk… if we could talk. Shinko, little Shinko. What would I say to you? I would tell you to never marry. Never marry or you will wind up like that girl, hanging from a tree with no will but the will to sway in whichever direction the wind pushes you._

_But I am being cynical. "Kajuo, the cynic" they call me. But they are all the same as me. How can we have an identity, when everything we are stays inside?_

_I spend my time now with people who don't look to be respected. But these people, the Tortallans, do not want to spend time with me. So I watch you, and the ease with which you befriend the Tortallan child, and I envy you._

_I envied your freedom and your ease. I envied that you could laugh and sing and not be looked down on. I envied that you did not see the truth in our class._

_There are no decent people in our class. Idiots, spectators, and two-faced coins. They are not capable of the simplest emotion, let alone love or compassion._

_Remember this, and trust no one. _

_That is the advice I would give to you._

_That is the advice I would give to my betrothed, whose face I still have not seen._

_Is she pretty, little Shinko? Does she laugh, little Shinko? Does she smile and trot after the Empress with her tail between her legs? Shall I shake her like a dog too?_

_Maybe it is for the best that I go help Uncle. If I were to see her, I would surely mistreat her, for she is a court lady, and stands for everything I hate._

_Please, Shinko, I beg you. Do not be like her. Get away from this country. Marry away if you have to. The air itself here is thick with the foulest stench of deceit. _

_It is impossible for a human to go around thinking "I am elite". Remember that, Shinko, when you are a court lady. Do not become an aristocrat. _

_Shinko, I think I am in love._

_I would like to write her name, if I may, since you will never meet her. She is a Tortallan maid, and not at all suitable for an aristocrat. __She left for Tortall yesterday. She is betrothed to a merchant._

_Her name is Mary. She is as ordinary as you please. But when she laughs –oh! How she laughs! – the Gods themselves celebrate._

_Oh Shinko, promise me one thing. Promise me that you will marry for love. _

At these last words I stood up and threw my brother's journal into the fire. The fire, like poison, slowly consumed the last testament of my brother.

Many years have passed since Kajuo's death. And yet, after all these years, why is it now that I miss him the most?

------

_I confess- I had great difficulty writing this chapter. I haven't written anything in several months, and it was hard to find Shinko's character voice again. I know I've found it, but I don't know if it's exactly correct in this chapter.  
_


End file.
